Reflection on miscarriages.....

Sorry I haven't been here in a while, it seems all our clients have looming deadlines right now.  I've thought of posting so many times yet didn't make it here until this morning.  I happened to check a fellow infertile blogger's blog this morning to find out she is miscarrying. 

Oh, my stomach clenched and my eyes are a tad watery.  I've never actually met this woman yet she stops by here often and often leaves me kind little comments that apparently mean even more than I realized.  Because right now I wish I could be at her door with friendship in hand and sit with her in her pain.  Nobody should have to know the pain of a miscarriage.  My miscarriages forever changed me and my life, I suppose.  Each time in a matter of days, the gates to the future I had always wanted opened up and we were bathed in the happiness of new possibilities.  And shortly thereafter it was like we'd been found out and promptly thrown to the curb on our asses with a firm, "You are not welcome here."

Here recently, I find that I am talking about my miscarriages more, even in passing.  I alluded to my infertility in a couple of e-mails to a neighbor.  She never took the hint and asked about it and that was okay.  Then it was Mother's Day and I sent an e-mail to the daughter of my "aunt" who passed away early this year and shared how I could empathize with the bittersweet feelings of the day.  I didn't hear back from her for like 2 weeks and I was okay with that, too. 

But when I got the response, it was very soft and open and caught me completely off guard.  I was out running errands and read it quickly once on my Crackberry.  Then waiting at a light I scanned it again.  And a tear ran down my face.  Then another and another.  Thankfully I had a fairly long drive to a client's house (to deliver baby pictures, no less) and was able to gather my composure again.  Yet, that's how miscarriages are,  you may lose the physical part but the emotional remnants are always in there.  And you may never know when one decides to work it's way out.  There I was 3.5 and 4.5 years later and another miscarriage moment in my midst.

So, today, if you relate to this post in any way, know that it ends with a hug.  Maybe a group hug?  The kind that speaks to all of us in a way that even words cannot convey.

Comments

[andria]

I've missed you posting. Sending you and all others a group hug.

[myinfertilitywoes]

What a beautiful, beautiful post and thank you so much for your support - you have no idea how much that means! Really!!

It was nice to get your comment today and I, too, had been wondering what happened to you. It's been awhile and I had missed you :)

Big hug back to you - I so appreciate you. I'm doing much better today, partly due to work busyness, partly due to all the hugs I've gotten, and probably just from emotional exhaustion :)

Thanks for being you and for conveying your thoughts so beautifully. (((group hug)))

[Rebecca]

I definitely relate. Sometimes I feel like my dreams are forgotten - like they don't matter. That's how a miscarriage makes you feel, as you so aptly said.

Thanks for the comfort. To come alongside another who is hurting really helps.

[foxy]

Lilly,
I just wanted to drop by this morning to thank you. I took your e-class earlier this year and it really helped me open up and find my voice. This online community has been so amazing. Everyday I read posts that so brilliantly translate and release the thoughts that are trapped in my head. Thank you for helping me find his place. I shared a couple weeks ago a quote from Nelson Mandela that has really stuck with me... "And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." Thank you for giving me permission to share my story and let me own light shine. I will be forever grateful.

[Allison]

Hello, I'm here via Myinfertilitywoes. This post touched my heart and validated my feelings. Miscarriage does indeed forever change us, doesn't it? I was just talking to my mom about this very topic. I've never been a "talker" but since my loss, I've opened up. It's sometimes scary, but truly, has helped my healing process and I've found more support than I ever dreamed possible.

I'm new to your blog, but am sending out a (((group hug))).

[Christi]

I just found your page and as I sit here with tears running down my face I can't help but agree..Nobody should have to know the pain of a miscarriage. My heart shares your pain and to hear someone else describe the way I feel on a daily basis is heart wrenching. Over the last 4 years I have had my hopes dashed 3 very painful times and am constantly looking for the strength to keep my dreams alive. Thank you for putting yourself out there so that those of us without the courage can look toward the light...

[Lily - The Infertile Mind]

Welcome Christi. Thank you for taking the time to comment that something I wrote touched your heart so deeply. It's so important we all be here for each other.

Hugs,
Lily