The Infertile Mind

Looking for me? I'll be in the kitchen for once....

Welcome ICLWers!  I'm still a bit of newbie to ICLW but I thought I'd give it another go because each time I meet interesting bloggers - maybe this time it will be you!

So, here's a little infertile breakdown on me, since most people want to know that first:

- 2 pregnancies, one on Clomid

- 2 early miscarriages, one D&C

- 1 complete marriage breakdown after MC #2 but somehow came alive again amongst the ashes

- 2 therapists, one to deal with the marital issues and another to deal with the infertile issues to prevent more marital issues. Both were amazing and I can't thank them enough for seeing me through some incredibly tough times.

- 1 injectable cycle with IUI, failed

- 1 woman who had to move on from trying to conceive in order to regain her sanity and place in this world (and doing pretty great, actually!)

- Led a Resolve Support Group, which was amazing but emotionally draining (If you haven't been, definitely go to a meeting at least once.) Met some cool infertiles there like kick-a** Fertility Foibles - she's an amazing gal!

- Occasionally write an Infertile Comic

- Started an Infertility E-Class to help other infertiles deal with the emotions of infertility (next one is in October and it's free, if you want to join us...)

- Wrote a little book called Infertile Inspiration (Check it out in the left hand column)

The other thing about me that I really don't talk about much is that I am an infertile .... stepmom.  I think I feel a little weird about it when delving into the infertile world (and fertile world actually - nobody aspires to grow up and be the Evil Stepmother character, now do they?).  I feel like because I do get to enjoy a very real version of parenthood (my stepson has been in my life since he was 2 and he's turning 13 this week) that I shouldn't be sad, angry or disappointed that I didn't have biological children - that it somehow insults the love I have for my stepson. 

I also think most people around me don't really realize I'm infertile or haven't thought about it much because I am so close to my stepson and very involved in his life and get along well with his actual mom.  Having a stepson sometimes makes it easy to hide behind my experiences with him and not be forced to address all the other experiences I will likely never have from a pregnancy and a baby.

I guess my stepson is top of mind tonight because this weekend we're having his 13th birthday party with my husband's family and all his cousins. (There are a lot of them and I happen to spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews, too.)  I decided to make mini cupcakes for his party on Sunday.  I'm far from Martha Stewart but I think it will be a fun touch to the festivities.  We made a test batch earlier in the week and they got my stepson's seal of approval (even if he hates when I talk about how "cute" miniature cupcakes look).  So, tomorrow, I'll be in the last place most people would ever look for me...baking in the kitchen. 

Will you be number 31 to sign-up for the free infertility e-class?

This morning I woke up and had received a couple of requests to join the next free infertility e-class and I decided to update the contact list.  When I finished I hadn't even realized that 30 women have already signed up - WOW! 

As we've traveled along an emotion focused journey in the last two classes, what's really been amazing is the people involved.  Each assignment I'm blown away by how someone made it their own and added a new layer of understanding and depth to the emotional toll that infertility takes on our lives.

So, if you're struggling to deal with the emotions surrounding infertility or wanting children and it isn't, hasn't or didn't pan out according to plan (like me!) and still struggle at times, then consider joining us.  You will not regret it.  You can participate as little or as much as you want!

Also, on a personal note for me and in keeping with the numbers theme, I stopped tracking my period last month.  We stopped trying a long time ago but I kept tracking my period because it's kind of short.  I even went to the acupuncturist and that helped some but the cost really didn't outweigh a few extra days "off" from my period. 

In my mind I thought I was doing myself a favor of knowing when it would show up but now I see that I wasn't.  Maybe it was my way of trying to control something in my fertility since I wasn't able to control anything else.  And sure enough, this month, my body let me know I was going to start soon and that was all the notice I really needed.  So, I'm going to give my self a little pat on the back for making a small change and peeling back yet another layer of this fertility onion.

It's time again for another free infertility e-class...

When I finished the last infertility e-class I wasn't sure where it was going to lead.  It was an amazing experience but I didn't have the energy to do another one.  I decided to let it sit quietly and see if it demanded my attention again.  And for some reason, it has suddenly started huffing and puffing and saying, "Hey, it's time for me again!"  So here we are.

Registration for the next free infertility e-class is now open.  It will begin on Monday, October 4th and close on Monday, November 1st.  If you've participated before, I'd love to have you participate again.  If you know someone who might benefit, please let them know.  If this all new to you, you might want to visit the FAQ page here.

I don't know where this class is going to lead us but I have no idea it will be a great ride!

Divine airplane seating?

Hey guys - I'm back on a pit stop between vacations and I have so much I want to share with you.  First up is the chance seating next to a very cool woman on the airplane.  We were three to a row and I was between my niece and a woman reading her book.  I was switching back and forth from chatting with my niece and starting my new book (which turned out to be really good...)  by Donald Miller titled A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life.  You know, the usual airplane stuff.

Nothing special going on but then I noticed the woman and I had the same kind of tennis shoes on and that one little seed comment turned into a 2 hour long conversation.  In the end of many fascinating details about her was that she's an author, editor & book publisher plus she really liked the Infertility Workbook idea and wants me to pursue it hopefully with her guidance.  Keep your fingers crossed!

Now, I'm not saying this woman took me on as a client or that it will be hitting bookstores this fall but it was one of those amazing serependipitous moments where you feel like you are being shown that you need to walk down this path.  That even if you're not really sure what you're doing that the right people will show up to help you along your way.  The book by Donald Miller was definitely in line with this whole project, as well, and I would highly recommend it to all of you other storytellers out there. 

So, ladies, stay tuned because I definitely want your help and input!  I hope to flesh out some more details while out at the lake.  Anyway, hope you're all having a great start to your summer.  And on a cool note, we went kayaking on the Pacific Ocean (new for me!) which was incredible and got to see sea lions up close and swimming around the kayaks.  On a somewhat funny note, my legs and lips got burned to a crisp while out there.  Oops - but totally worth it!

Learn to take a compliment....

I'm a believer in the power of being grateful and saying Thank You with great detail.  I have yet to come across someone who doesn't appreciate a heartfelt message.  And while sometimes they don't respond, I still feel good that I took the time to say it anyway.

Well, just a couple of days ago I received an incredible thank you post from a woman who took my last infertility eclass which was in March.  I haven't had much time to devote to the project again and had kind of forgotten about it.  (Which is sort of funny to me because I put so much work into both classes and it took a lot of time yet now it seems like it was a just a little blip in my life.  Life is funny like that.)  So, I went and read the post and I thought wow, that was so nice.  I tried to leave a comment and now I'm not sure if it went through. (I did send a personal e-mail later, though, just in case.)

Then later I got to thinking about it again and decided I should go read it again.  It sunk in a little deeper.  I decided to read it to my husband out loud and this time I got choked up at the end.  (A great reminder to me of how powerful things can be when said out loud, by the way.)  Frankly, I think I couldn't believe this person was writing about me and my project.  It was just something I made up and had no idea if it would really matter to anyone.  And to see that it planted such a beautiful seed was astonishing to say the least. 

I don't take compliments well (or relaxing or having fun) and I've heard recently that a person with good self-esteem is able to accept them freely.  So, today I say thank you Foxy for the amazing compliment.  Thank you for showing me that pursuing something that means a lot in your heart  - even if nobody else can see or understand it - is totally worth it.  I know your voice will now be another in the much needed conversation about infertility and how it affects us all.

P.S.  I am taking your idea about the workbook to heart.  It's been on my mind and maybe I need to start getting it to paper.  So, thank you for watering that seed as maybe it's time to let it start growing.

You heard it hear first....

and no - I am not pregnant.  But, just as exciting for me - the new www.infertilityeclass.com website is up and registration for the free March session is open!  I have been feeling a huge block to getting this moving forward for weeks now.  And sure enough once I took some steps to care for my own mental health and well being around infertility, the creative flood gates opened.  There still may be some minor changes underway but I'd love to know what you guys think of the re-design! This session will be free completely in thanks to the women who took the holiday class.  I opened the class with the quote at left: ""Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.  And they did just that, they blazed the trail for the next class.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Feeling the love....

Our first infertility e-class ended this week and here are some nice words that were said by the amazing women that participated: "No, no, no thank YOU!  Thanks so much to Naomi and Lily for putting together this wonderful forum for us all. I found it very comforting and supportive." - C. "Thanks so much for this! It was wonderful having a group of women to talk to and some ideas to help cope and feel positive!" - R. In other feel good news, we did make a donation to the Cade Foundation on behalf of our incredible participants.  They now helped another infertile couple get a little closer to realizing their dreams of treatment or domestic adoption.  How great is that? Also, some people have asked, and I don't have an official plan for the second e-class other than I'm thinking it will come in March, in time for spring.  I'm gathering feedback and want to re-vamp a few things for round two.  Check back here and the main www.infertilityeclass.com website for more details coming soon.

So...now what?

So, last year was kind of a crazy year for me.  Thinking back a bit I did the following things: (in no particular order) 1. Co-led a Resolve infertility support group including building the website, supporting materials & spreading the word 2.  Started a new marketing business while still running my photography business 3.  Took on the challenge of having a business partner (she's awesome but it was a huge adjustment) 4.  Did acupuncture for infertility (and still highly recommend it for overall health and well-being) 5.  Painted and decorated the guest room for an easy transition into a nursery (which didn't happen) 6.  Decided it was time to stop pursuing fertility treatments (cried for 3 days straight) 7.  Had our first marketing client which was a huge undertaking but a great success 8.  Submitted a received a small business grant (so cool) 9.  Visited my 3 year old niece every 2 weeks for 6 weeks this fall to help establish a bond with her (Soooo worth it!) 10.  Spent lots of time with nieces and nephews on my husband's side (included coordinating various trips and outings) 11.  Read a lot of books (My favorite was this one.) 12. Went to Myrtle Beach (I recommmend it!) 13. Opened a Facebook account 14.  Saw 3 old friends - two of which I hadn't seen in 17 years (thanks to #13) 15.  Took my first online e-class called Unravelling (a definite highlight of the year - made some amazing new friends) 16.  Sewed my first purse and cosmetic case (along with other projects) 17.  Created and started my own infertility e-class (which ended today and I am a bit saddened by this....met more amazing infertiles) 18.  Started my own blog (that would be this one!) and participated in my first ICLW 19.  Drew my first infertilty comic 20.  Had my parents live here for 45 days (thank goodness I re-decorated the guest room after all) 21.  Helped three small business by designing their websites 22.  Supported a lot of Etsy artists (and will continue to do so - I love Etsy!) 23.  Started a Wii Fit routine (which I loved until I hurt my foot and had to stop...hope to start again soon with Wii Fit Plus!) 24.  Took some tennis lessons.  (not so easy but kind of fun) 25.  Walked with my neighbor across the street weekly until it got cold (turns out she is a great lady) Then today my business partner and I jumped another major hurdle with a big presentation to a new potential client.  Things are looking good and I am very happy about it.  We did all under the stress of both of us having family health crises, the holidays and life in general.  I don't even know how the hell we pulled it off.  But right now there's nothing really new that I'm starting or project that I'm just itching to get out of my system.  I have lot of things I need to do but nothing I'm just on fire excited about.  Anyway, I read on another blog having a word for the year and the word that came to mind is RELAX.   There's just one problem - I don't know how to do it.  Relaxing and going with the flow just doesn't gel with me very well.

Dear Santa...are you infertile, too?

Dear Santa and Mrs. Claus, For some reason this year it occurred to me that we never hear of you and Mrs. Claus having any children.  You do a lot for children and you give a loving home to all the elves but never a mention of little ones inside your home.  And I started to think, maybe Santa and Mrs. Claus are infertile like me?  Maybe you and Mrs. Claus couldn't have children or lost a child and became so distraught that you moved to the North Pole to get away from all the fertile people in the world?  I could totally understand that.  And maybe you met all the elves that needed loving homes and Mrs. Claus instinctly took them in and mothered them and you gave them new purpose in life?  An infertile couple would totally do that.  And maybe you still saw this hole in your wife's heart that you wanted to so desperately fill that you created this elaborate scheme to become the most beloved figure to children all over the world, even if for just one night only?  A devoted husband would do that for the woman he loves. Well, Santa, I really don't expect you to answer this letter.  And I sincerely hope I didn't upset you or your wife.  Just know this - you have brought a lot of joy and hope to children all over the world and you (and baby Jesus) remind people to be kind and gentle to each other at least once a year.  Thanks for all you, Mrs. Claus and the elves do up there all year long to make one night special for us here.  Love, Me P.S.  And thanks for all the cool things you've left me in my stockings over the years - I think the My Little Ponies were my all time favorite.

Where the road leads you...

4 years ago when I started this fertility journey (even though at the time I didn't realize it has started) I never thought I'd be here.  I honestly didn't even know this world of infertility existed.  I thought I'd already have one child and maybe another on the way.  I figured I would be busy preparing for the holidays and life around my children. 

However, instead this year I am preparing my holidays around a group of amazing women who are also dealing with infertility.  I am surprised that my journey has led me here - an unexpected beautiful turn along this usually painful road of healing.  I feel like when you're on a long, draining hike and tired, exhausted and just want to go home.  But then with one more step you come across a beautiful clearing and you instantly forget all of those feelings.  Suddenly you are wide-eyed at what you didn't know was there, delighted in it's beauty and renewed by it's purity and innocence.  And then you want nothing more than to sit and stay a while and get to know each and every wonderful thing there is in this space. 

A heartfelt thanks to the women who signed up for the e-class and to those who are helping me lead it.  I cannot properly express the overflowing of emotion that the beginning of our e-class has uncorked.  It is good, pure emotion tinged with excitement and anticipation of lovely things to come....