The Infertile Mind

What would I do without you....

Today my post is about saying 'Thank you' to you who stop by this blog and particularly those who leave me heartfelt comments.  Knowing that a few of you were touched by my birthday story in the same way that I was gave me yet another gift. 

Because truly, in my everyday life, I don't share many of the stories I share here.  And if I do, I make it quick and don't share the depth of emotion that I let show here.  This is sort of my 'sacred' space and each of you make this space that much more enlightened.  So, thank you for being you and taking a moment of your day to spend it with me.  If I could reach through the screen and give you a hug, I totally would.

When someone takes the time....

 Well, the figurative sun came out yesterday and the literal sun came out today!

Beginning with the figurative - I had an early business meeting and truly I did not want to go.  I wanted to lay in my bed and sulk all day but I decided to get ready and attend.  It was fine but afterwards my business partner and I went back to her house to work for a while.  She asked how my weekend was and I mentioned crummy in between projects.  While we were having lunch she circled back and asked me what was going on.  She listened with an empathetic ear and didn't make me feel bad for my feelings, even though she has two young boys of her own.  She's usually so busy juggling everything that we rarely have time to have little chats like that.  It was so refreshing and helped me feel a lot better.

The night before my husband and I talked about everything and he mentioned that he feels that way sometimes too.  I don't know that he's mentioned that before.  And while on one hand I don't want him to have these hurts, too, it's nice to know it's not just me.  Last night we had our movie night and went out to dinner.  Nothing fancy but definitely yummy and it was nice to re-connect as a couple.

(I should also absolutely mention the supportive comments left here from other awesome infertiles who knew exactly how I felt and were having a hell of weekend, too.  You always feel better when you know you're not alone.  So thank you for being with me in the moment.)

Fairly late in the evening Snow White called me - she had her baby.  She was exhausted and it was a crazy story but she still made sure to call me herself and talked to me for at least 15 minutes.  I was almost in tears when she told me how beautiful he was and that he looked just like her.  But this time, unlike Sunday, it was happy tears.  Tears because I know what a long road she had to get here.

And during that call another friend beeped in.  A good friend who in the last couple of years has had nothing but shit piled up at his door in his personal life.  He had been thinking of changing jobs recently and it was like divine intervention that the day he looked for a job at his dream place, a perfect job was there for him, the reporting manager was a guy who used to work for him and it just kept getting better until he was made the offer.  He's coming to visit us in a couple of weeks before the new job kicks in and I can't wait to see him and his new pup.

Each of these events gave me a little more faith.  Faith that in bad times you can find some of the most special moments with unexpected people who care.  And that on the other side of hell you can find a new heaven.

Cade Foundation family building grant opens.....

As many of you know I am big supporter of the Cade Foundation because they offer family building grants for those wishing to pursue infertility treatment or domestic adoption.  Meghan sent me an e-mail with information today announcing those interested can get a head start before the April 1 registration.  Here's what she sent:

This year, the grant will consist of 2 portions - one that involves online registration, and one that involves downloading the application from our website from April 1st through June 15th.

The online registration is open NOW for anyone who wants to get started before April 1. To get started, visit:
https://www.123signup.com/servlet/SignUpMember?PG=1533369182300&P=153336900.

Remember- you MUST fill out and submit BOTH portions of the application for your application to be considered complete.

If I had to decorate my uterus....

Tonight I was listening to a free fertility relaxation program from Circle + Bloom.  If you've got 30 minutes, I'd recommend giving it a listen.  Joanne (who has personally created these programs after dealing with secondary infertility herself - LOVE that...) has a very relaxing voice and does a lovely job of guiding through your body. This may be a bit of a spoiler so if you want to listen, do so and come back.  At one point near the end she guides you to your uterus and asks you to visualize what would make it the ideal environment for implantation.  And you know what came to mind?  A hot pink room with a disco ball for me.  Seriously.  I almost started laughing because that's so not me normally.  I'm usually all about very cool and calming colors, minimal design with a touch of being too uptight but apparently not in my uterus.  In there it's practically Studio 54.  And I kind of liked that - that maybe my body doesn't always want to work the way it should but it's still down for having a good time.  So, eggs that make your way in there - live it up for however long you're meant to be in there.  It gives me a happier way to think about them now.  Party on!

It wasn ' t always like this....

My nature is to pretty upbeat, grateful, loving with a slightly warped sense of humor.  However, I wasn't always like this.  Or at least I wasn't like this a few years ago after my second miscarriage.  And today after reading Fertility Foibles post on how well her marriage has held up during her infertility struggles, it stung a bit.  Because mine didn't hold up well at all.  We failed with flying colors.  We went down in flames.  We actually uttered the words 'divorce'.  I even called a divorce attorney but never went.  It compounded the pain of the loss.  I didn't know how to let those who love me in to help me heal my pain.  And the communication lines had not only been cut, they had been severed. So, tonight my post is for those infertiles.  Those who worry this journey only ends with a broken heart and no future.  It is a long, back breaking journey.  The weak of spirit need not apply.  But if there's still a flicker inside you - no matter how small - gently coax that fire.  Because you can build it into roaring flames of love, empathy and compassion that no one can contain.  And that is an amazing sight to behold in yourself and your marriage.

Snow White is pregnant...

Snow White was my roommate in college.  Seriously.  You'd have recognized her with the fair skin and raven black hair - although she grew it pretty long for her college years.  She was just what you'd except - she'd wake up every damn day all chipper and happy no matter how crappy life (or the weather while trudging back and forth to class) had been lately.  While we joked that I was the Evil Queen that title went hands down to her mom.  She was rotten to Snow and never appreciated her but treated her older and younger sisters like princesses. 

Anyway, Snow was the best roommate ever.  She loved to clean and cook - and she rocked at both.  She was also just a one in a million kind of friend.  So, this fall we finally got together on campus again and I was so happy to see her.  I'd also wanted to talk to her face-to-face because she'd been struggling with infertility, too.  She had already been through two very tough ectopic pregnancies and didn't talk about it too much.  Snow White is a hell of lot tougher than you'd think.

So, like a dumbass, I prodded the subject early on only to find out she was 10 weeks pregnant.  Even though I had honestly asked God many times to give Snow a baby even if it meant giving up mine - yes, she is really that great of a person - it was a huge blow.  I was totally unprepared.  She was obviously scared and we didn't talk about it all that much.  Probably for the best as I had to fight back the tears as we left lunch and headed over to the hotel.  We did end up having a hell of a good time, though.

The holidays came and life got busy and it gave me some much needed space about the whole thing.  We talked tonight and caught up and I always appreciate that Snow White never, ever pushes the subject of being pregnant on me at all.  She still acts genuinely interested in my life and I know that it's not an act.  And she reminded why I love her today - she was totally irked off that her babysitter decided to have a baby and got pregnant basically the next month.  This Evil Queen loves her Snow White. 

The weekend I told my mom that I was no longer pursuing pregnancy we were cleaning out a closet at my parents' house.  There was a beautiful white baby blanket and I asked her who it was for - even though deep down I knew.  She kind of got a sad look and said she was saving it for me.  I told her I'd take it and give it to someone really special.  I finally know who that person is - Snow White.  Because I know she will love it, appreciate it and I can totally explain exactly why I'm giving it to her.  And if God really did take me up on my deal - then I still feel it was well worth it.

A poem on change....

I follow a handful of blogs and this post title "Change is a bitch, but she's my bitch" I knew had to read.  I tend to like people who can cuss with a purpose.  The author is Communicatrix and she writes poetry every Thursday cleverly titled "Poetry Thursday", which is also really cool. You have likely forgotten how wrenching that last change you made truly was But it was I have forgotten a lifetime of changes I chose for myself and a second one of those that were chosen for me. Each time I woke up was as jarring as the first like an alarm you never get used to or falling off a bicycle the ground rushing up to greet you and your unsuspecting elbows with concrete reality. Why choose change, then when that bitch has brought me nothing but broken bones and bandages and recovery periods as painful as the pain itself? Because I have seen what happens when you hit the snooze button too many times I sat at her table and saw her weep stoic, Swedish tears for choices not made that were no longer hers to make I sat by his bed and witnessed him claw at the air with what strength he had left: one last call one last meeting one last stab at being the kind of alive he called living I sat from a distance and watched her die slowly, by degree, clutching her choices to her chest to the very end. My road here has been paved with the choices I made but the wilderness beyond has been illuminated by the ones they did not. Which is why I must turn off here, where the pavement stops and only crazy people venture forth. Call me crazy if you must wish me luck if you can travel alongside if you will… xxx c

Feeling the love....

Our first infertility e-class ended this week and here are some nice words that were said by the amazing women that participated: "No, no, no thank YOU!  Thanks so much to Naomi and Lily for putting together this wonderful forum for us all. I found it very comforting and supportive." - C. "Thanks so much for this! It was wonderful having a group of women to talk to and some ideas to help cope and feel positive!" - R. In other feel good news, we did make a donation to the Cade Foundation on behalf of our incredible participants.  They now helped another infertile couple get a little closer to realizing their dreams of treatment or domestic adoption.  How great is that? Also, some people have asked, and I don't have an official plan for the second e-class other than I'm thinking it will come in March, in time for spring.  I'm gathering feedback and want to re-vamp a few things for round two.  Check back here and the main www.infertilityeclass.com website for more details coming soon.

So...now what?

So, last year was kind of a crazy year for me.  Thinking back a bit I did the following things: (in no particular order) 1. Co-led a Resolve infertility support group including building the website, supporting materials & spreading the word 2.  Started a new marketing business while still running my photography business 3.  Took on the challenge of having a business partner (she's awesome but it was a huge adjustment) 4.  Did acupuncture for infertility (and still highly recommend it for overall health and well-being) 5.  Painted and decorated the guest room for an easy transition into a nursery (which didn't happen) 6.  Decided it was time to stop pursuing fertility treatments (cried for 3 days straight) 7.  Had our first marketing client which was a huge undertaking but a great success 8.  Submitted a received a small business grant (so cool) 9.  Visited my 3 year old niece every 2 weeks for 6 weeks this fall to help establish a bond with her (Soooo worth it!) 10.  Spent lots of time with nieces and nephews on my husband's side (included coordinating various trips and outings) 11.  Read a lot of books (My favorite was this one.) 12. Went to Myrtle Beach (I recommmend it!) 13. Opened a Facebook account 14.  Saw 3 old friends - two of which I hadn't seen in 17 years (thanks to #13) 15.  Took my first online e-class called Unravelling (a definite highlight of the year - made some amazing new friends) 16.  Sewed my first purse and cosmetic case (along with other projects) 17.  Created and started my own infertility e-class (which ended today and I am a bit saddened by this....met more amazing infertiles) 18.  Started my own blog (that would be this one!) and participated in my first ICLW 19.  Drew my first infertilty comic 20.  Had my parents live here for 45 days (thank goodness I re-decorated the guest room after all) 21.  Helped three small business by designing their websites 22.  Supported a lot of Etsy artists (and will continue to do so - I love Etsy!) 23.  Started a Wii Fit routine (which I loved until I hurt my foot and had to stop...hope to start again soon with Wii Fit Plus!) 24.  Took some tennis lessons.  (not so easy but kind of fun) 25.  Walked with my neighbor across the street weekly until it got cold (turns out she is a great lady) Then today my business partner and I jumped another major hurdle with a big presentation to a new potential client.  Things are looking good and I am very happy about it.  We did all under the stress of both of us having family health crises, the holidays and life in general.  I don't even know how the hell we pulled it off.  But right now there's nothing really new that I'm starting or project that I'm just itching to get out of my system.  I have lot of things I need to do but nothing I'm just on fire excited about.  Anyway, I read on another blog having a word for the year and the word that came to mind is RELAX.   There's just one problem - I don't know how to do it.  Relaxing and going with the flow just doesn't gel with me very well.

Should I sue Ice Mountain?

I was just reading Fertility Foibles lastest post - because she rocks - and the usual quip about "There's something in the water...." came up.  I have heard this, too, and felt like everyone got to sip from this fertile water this year (and every year prior) except me.  And then I thought but I drink bottled water.  Is it really Ice Moutain's fault that I'm not pregnant?  Damn that natural spring water, apparently to get pregnant you need good ol' tap water.  My new year's resolution?  Start chugging straight from every tap I can get my hands on!