The Infertile Mind

We Need One Another.....

I took this picture one day while walking the dog.  The sun was shining beautifully behind the tree and drawing attention to the little angel statue.  I'd walked by it many, many times and never noticed it before.

As to what I've been up to for the last month, I'd call it nesting.  I have been cleaning areas of my house like a mad woman.  I think it's both a physical and spiritual cleansing.   I've also found so many wonderful memories. 

One particular find was a touching poem from my Aunt Edda's memorial service that I wanted to share titled We Need One Another by George O'Dell.

We Need One Another by George O'Dell

We need one another when we mourn and would be comforted…

when we are in trouble and afraid…

when we despair, in temptation, and need to be recalled to our best selves again.

We need one another when we would accomplish some great purpose, and cannot do it alone…

in the hour of our successes, when we look for someone to share our triumphs

[and] in the hour of our defeat when with encouragement we might endure and stand again.

We need one another when we come to die, and would have gentle hands prepare us for the journey.

All our lives we are in need, and others are in need of us.

Honoring myself this Mother's Day....

In years past I have reached out to friends without children, infertile and not infertile, to wish them a Happy Mother's Day.  To thank them for their love, nuturing, compassion, advice, laughter and more they have provided to me and so many.  More and more I realize these unsung women (and men) make this world a better place.

But this year, I also decided to turn the love lens on myself and honor what I bring to this world, too.  If you know me, I have a very hard time seeing the good in myself or talk lovingly to myself.  It's an ugly scar left over from infertility and a one time broken marriage.  I can easily push myself to the brink, try to fix every small error I've ever made or correct every flaw I see in myself and carry Olymic gold winning amounts of guilt and shame.

But this year, I choose to acknowledge myself for being one of those wonderful women, too.  I hope you'll do the same.  So here goes:

I am proud of my role as a stepmother.  My stepson knows I love him, that I would do anything for him but also completely respect the role his mother has in his life.  I also have done and still do a lot to keep the peace between his biological parents.  During my infertility journey, my faith has been shaken many times and I have come to accept some prayers don't get answered.  However, I think life will rise to meet you if you let it.  My stepson didn't deserve to have divorced parents any more than I didn't deserve to not have biological children.  But maybe life knew we would need and love each other and made sure our paths crossed.  And I am grateful every day for being a stepmother for the last 9+ years.  (11 since we started dating.)

I am proud of my role as an aunt.  My nieces and nephews come to me with their problems, joys and questions and know they will be met with honesty, respect and have their best interests at heart.  I have spent many years attending their activities, taking them places and having them over.  They are some of the best time investments I have ever made.

I am proud of my role as a daughter.  I am there for my parents when they need me and even when they don't.

I am proud of my role as a wife.  I have stood by my man when I stood alone.  We have worked hard to bring our marriage back from the brink and we have a deeper, stronger and sometimes funnier relationship than ever before.

I am proud of my role as an entrepreneur and business partner.  I am an attentive, honest and hardworking vendor to my clients.  I am a grateful, detailed and quick paying client to my vendors.  I am trusted and loved by my business partner, being supportive in business and in life. 

I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.  This was a hard thing for me to do but I did it.  I would love to hear what you love about yourself - because I know you are fantastic, too!

Woke up with a garden party on my mind...

My parents were here this weekend and it was more than a bit exhausting keeping up with their many requests.  They are moving here soon and I know my life is going to undergo some major change.  Then my mom sends me a message last night that she's worried about me.  Not to mention some not so helpful (and downright insulting) ideas of how to better take care of myself.  It drives me more than a little batty that she can't see my truth or how she and my dad can drain me so easily. 

When I woke up this morning the lyrics from this old song were in my head, "But it's all right now, I learned my lesson well. You see, ya can't please everyone, so ya got to please yourself" So I looked up the lyrics and found it's Garden Party by Ricky Nelson. Then I went to iTunes and bought it.  Here's an old video I found with the song, if you'd like to have a garden party in your mind, too.

P.S. I'm heading out on Spring Break late this week and won't be back till late the next.  Until then! 

My body is trying to tell me something....

 
Lately I have been feeling sluggish, and seemingly cannot get enough sleep.  I thought it was stress and it very well could be.  But I think my thyroid is asking for my attention, sending me subtle signals that not until just last night I began putting all together. 

I have had Graves' Disease for over a decade and it's very well controlled (so long as I keep my stress level in check).  Last year, just about this time I switched back to an old medicine, Tapazole, and seemed to be tolerating very well.  Then I switched pharmacies a few months ago and I'm wondering if Walgreens supplier is a stronger than the Target supplier.  I suspect it is because I am very in tune to my body after 10+ years of living with this condition. 

The thing is, though, I know the symptoms for hyperthyroidism, where your thyroid is overactive, and can see them coming a mile away.  However, I think now I have teetered into hypothyroidism, which I don't know well at all.  No wonder I misread the signals my body was putting out.

Here are the symptoms that have been happening over the last year, without my even realizing it, because they are so subtle:

• Fatigue (been kicking into overdrive lately)
• Sluggishness (I can barely think straight these days)
• Increased sensitivity to cold (I'm always freezing!)
• Pale, dry skin (It's winter, who doesn't have this?)
• A puffy face (A pet peeve but never thought it was more than that.)
• Unexplained weight gain (just a few pounds so I blamed it on the winter)
• Muscle aches, tenderness and stiffness (subtle, but definitely there)
• Pain, stiffness or swelling in your joints
• Muscle weakness
• Heavier & shorter than normal menstrual periods
• Digestive issues (had some big problems this summer and never have had them before)

Monday I will call my endocrinologist and order my bloodwork and make an appointment to get my medicine dialed in.  For now, I'm happy that I finally listened to my body.  Poor thing has been crying "Uncle!" for some time and I had no idea.  I've even realized I've been talking about my thyroid condition more lately, which is odd because since it's so stable I tend to forget about it.  However,  I think it might have been my subconscious speaking up and needing to be heard.

Yes, I fell apart, but the pieces are all seemingly here....

I wanted to make sure to post just so people wouldn't worry too much more.  THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU from the bottom of my broken heart for all of your loving words and kind support.  I heard you and I felt your care.  It means so much to have a place where I can be honest, brutally honest, without choosing my words carefully so as not to offend.  Thank you for bearing witness to my heartache in the moment.

On that note, I'm proud of myself for falling apart.  For once I recognized it and let it out - more than once.  I shared my disappointment with my husband and he listened like a trooper, even though I know it was hard for him to not default to a man's "fix-it" mode.  I called Overly Fertile in tears and she was a rock star of support.  I gave myself distance from people who know how to push my buttons.  I drew in my art journal.

So here I am, a few days later, ready to pick up the pieces and they are all seemingly here and in good condition.  Now it will be a matter of how they fit together - somehow I think there will be new grooves and edges that weren't there before.

Decoupage and trusting your inner vision....

 
 Here is another decoupage project - a transformed old journal - where I used more words & details from Living the Wisdom of the Tao: The Complete Tao Te Ching and Affirmations by Dr. Wayne Dyer.  This inside back page features the 12th verse of the Tao Te Ching:

"The five colors blind the eye.

The five tones deafen the ear.

The five flavors dull the taste.

The chase and the hunt craze people's minds.

Wasting energy to obtain rare objects only impedes one's growth.

The master observes the world but trusts his inner vision. (My favorite line!)

He allows things to come and go.

He prefers what is within to what is without."

Believing that seasons change and cultivating trust....

So, I learned about this illustrator, Kristin Noelle, through Jen Lee (one of my fabulous teachers at Squam) and I love her style.  It is so simple and lovely.  I signed up for her Sketch A Day e-mail for 30 days and I have really enjoyed them.  (They are almost done and I'm going to be sad when they stop arriving!) This one came today and really just made me feel good and calm.  Seasons do change and sometimes I take comfort that no matter how good or bad I think things are there will change. 

And I do sense a lot of change coming with my parents moving here this year, trying to find a high school for my stepson to attend which could have us moving, a Spring Break trip and possibly a trip to Spain with my parents.  All hopefully good and wonderful changes and experiences but I have to allow myself to feel uneasy about them at times because there are a lot of unknowns.  I have to TRUST that it's all going to work out for the best.

Speaking of TRUST, that's really the central topic of Kristin's blog/website: www.kristinnoelle.com.  She also posts other illustrations via the blog portion which I have also really enjoyed.  Her site is all about cultivating TRUST in ourselves, which is also a word that keeps popping up for this year so finding her is timely.

Also, circling back to Jen Lee, she is a new favorite resource for me since going to Squam.  (Hearing her do her storytelling live was an amazing experience and to be in her class for a 1/2 day has stuck with me for months.  I think one of her retreats is going to be on a personal wish list.)  She has started a handwritten letter series, which is powerful.  Her latest one on Love, Risk and Comfort Zones is also worth a look at (plus she does beautiful panoramic photography, too!). Find it here.

Having an adult snow day is awesome.....

Every month we have a meeting with one of our clients to re-cap our accomplishments and decide what's coming up next (you get the idea) and that was supposed to be this morning.  But, I woke up to the alarm and news of a 2-hr school delay which means my business partner can't make it so we had to re-schedule.  And I am giddy like a little girl who just got a snow day!  No getting ready for a meeting and getting to stay in my pjs.  Woo Hoo!

So I was checking my e-mail (from bed - yippee!!) and saw my periodic news from TED.com and the following teaser got my attention, "Neil Pasricha's blog 1000 Awesome Things savors life's simple pleasures, from free refills to clean sheets. He reveals the 3 secrets (all starting with A) to leading a life that's truly awesome."  So I watched the video, featured here, and it is indeed awesome.  Heartwarming, funny, touching and true.  The best part is the reminder to appreciate how many awesome there is in our everyday lives.  Check it out, it's less than 20 minutes (love that feature about TED talks!).  Then be sure to share something awesome about your day, too!

Getting cozy in the new year...

I've heard many times that people pick a word for the year.  So far I've got 3 that are coming to mind.  (Maybe I'll need a word of the month to expand on the idea...) The first one I want to share with you is COZY.  I want to focus on adding more personal touches around my house to make it feel warm and inviting.

The basket pictured in the photo is a new addition to the house.  It has a matching trunk to go with it.  The weave and texture are what drew me to it and it goes really well with the warm colors of our upstairs loft-like area.  Both acquired at Target, if you wanna know.

More sneak peeks to other changes coming soon.  What new changes are you making in the new year?

A peek into my art journal.....

While I've been working with my wonderful life coach Jenn Lee, she recommended I try an exercise where I use art to visualize my guides or support system, possibly in the form of a tree.  Jenn shared her post about doing hers to help me with this process.

As I started to paint my tree, I also noticed it turned into a head.  Like a strong buck's head with large antlers.  While I didn't write down specific people on the limbs/sections, here are some phrases that came out in the process.

"Strong Antlers for Protection"

"Little Possibilities Growing All the Time"

"Planting Roots to Keep Me Grounded"

"Always Reaching and Seeking the Light"

"Some Opportunities Will Grow Alongside of Each Other"

"Life is best defined for me in the colors of nature."

"Life is colorful."

"Life is messy."

"Life is not linear."