The Infertile Mind

Have a slow day.....

 
I recently got this book, In Praise of Slow: Challenging the Cult of Speed , free via my Bookmooch.com account. I haven't had a ton of time to devote to yet but I am intrigued by the concept of it being okay to slow down and in fact that we need to slow down to really enjoy life.  I found this passage on page 29 stood out to me, as I've tried this technique first hand unwittingly in the midst of grieving.

"Time-sickness can also be a symptom of a deeper, existenial malaise.  In the final stages before burnout, people often speed up to avoid confronting issues.  Kundera thinks that speeds helps us to block out the horror and barrennss of the modern world: "Our period is obsessed with the desire to forget, and it is fulfill that desire that it gives over to the demon of speed; it picks up the pace to show us that it no longer wishes to be remembered, that it is tired of itself, sick of itself: that it wants to blow out the tiny trembling flame of memory."

To learn more about author Carl Honore, why he wrote this book and the Slow movement, check out his website at: http://www.carlhonore.com/?page_id=6

So, here's to having a slow day!

The Final Four and pregnancy loss? An unlikely connection....

So tonight we settled in to watch our local Butler Bulldogs take on (and win!) over Virginia Commonwealth.  Before the game started on the CBS Sports Pre-Show, there was a story about the Florida Gators Basketball Coach, Billy Donovan and his connection to two of his former staff members, now coach of Alabama Anthony Grant and former Arkansas coach John Pelphrey. 

Their connection?  They all lost children during pregnancy within a few years of each other.  The story was excellent and heart-wrenching.  It made me sad and proud all at once.  Sad because it brought up memories of my miscarriages and proud that these families are sharing their pain on such a public stage to help others in their situation. You can watch the 10 minute segment below or here:

To read about their collective losses check out this online story, Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow on ThePostGame.com. Here's the direct link: http://www.thepostgame.com/features/201101/billy-donovans-secret-sorrow

The Pelphrey family has also created a foundation to honor their son and help neonatal efforts throughout the United States.  To learn about Pel's Pals, visit their website here.

Revisiting Guiliana's Infertility Story.....is it really over?

With the Oscars being on last night it got me thinking again about E! News Host Giuliana Rancic and her infertility journey.  On her Style network show, Giuliana and Bill, she and her husband have very openly shared their struggles, a miscarriage, and two IVF attempts.  While I don't normally tune into celebrity reality shows, I did watch these episodes.  I cried alongside Giuliana when she was talking to her therapist on the show after the miscarriage.  It has been incredibly brave and open storyline to share so publicly. 

Anyway, last I saw they were in the 2nd round of IVF, where she was rushed to the ER with overstimulated ovaries, and really no news had surfaced on its outcome.  But one only needs to see pencil thin and lovely Giuliana that she's as flat bellied as ever to know she is not pregnant.

So, after seeing Giuliana again with Oscar news everywhere, I did a search and found this article on The Stir titled, "Giuliana Rancic Has Had It With Infertility".  It discusses how she and husband, Bill, are not trying anymore and taking a break.  It was professionally vague so who knows what that really means but she has been pretty forthcoming with her journey up to now.  I know Giuliana has really been championed by infertiles everywhere and I hope they continue to support her during this time.  In an effort to be part of that, let me tell you about Giuliana's new website called FabFitFun.com, for tips on looking as fabulous as Giuliana!

I also had never been to the Stir and found a variety of thoughtful articles about infertility.  I especially appreciated this article directed at pregnant women asking them to think about how their postings on Facebook might be hard on their infertile friends.  You can read it here.  If you'd like to see what else they offer on infertility, click here.

http://thestir.cafemom.com/pregnancy/115336/giuliana_rancic_calls_it_quits

The uninspiring scars of infertility....

I haven't dreamed in a long time.  All my dreams are reasonable and too painfully within reach so as not to pull any emotional muscles.  But recently I dared to dream.  I dared to think that I had finally done all the right things and that the universe would rise to meet me and finally, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" but alas, it didn't.  Once again, it was mute when I came calling with my dreams carried in trembling hands hoping this time I could have it come true.

In the grand scheme of things my dreams really aren't dashed against the rocks never to be seen again. They can be revisited in another 6 months to a year, if we want to.  But to witness another unmet dream with my eyes so wide open with renewed hope only to see that this experience die, too, just tore the infertility wound open again.  I sit and stare at it gaping open, both in awe and horror, watching hope seeping out with nowhere in particular to go.  It's just one of the cruel scars of infertility leaves on your pysche. 

I didn't even realize I have been trying to flex my dream muscle again and it's an unexpected surprise to see that it's not completely atrophied.  There's still a little bounce and strength in there.  However, for now, I will tenderly nurse this wound.  I will sew it up and cover it with a gauze bandage that lets it still get some much needed fresh air.  But I can't look at in anymore for now.

Quote on doing all the things we are capable of doing....

"If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves" - Thomas Edison

Here are a handful of things I've astounded or astonished myself on being capable of doing, even if at the time they seemed impossible.

- Forgave a loved one who hurt me deeply

- Let a good friend go

- Grieved the loss of 3 miscarriages

- Grieved the losses of my friends

- Found laughter even in my darkest hours

- Find life worth living (and thoroughly enjoying!), through all its ups and down

- Write a blog that people actually read sometimes! :)

How have you astounded yourself?

Reflections on Squam and the power of supporting one another...

This picture at left was taken by the phenomenal Susannah Conway during my Open Your Eyes class at Squam.  Even though I'm a photographer myself, I loved her take on finding beauty in the seemingly ugly to others.  That it's easy to take pictures of pretty things. 

I feel that's true in life, too - it's easy to find joy when things are going smoothly.  But how to find joy when they are not?  Open your eyes because there's always something there.  Thank you for this lesson, Susannah. (And for being even more wonderful in person.)

That's me in the blue at the far left.  It's a perfect reminder of what Squam was like and what my life needs to be more like - holding on to those who support me.  Knowing that together we are stronger and can take on more than we ever could individually.

With that in mind, thank you to one and all who have left me comments of support here on the blog, via e-mail and in the universe.  I can feel you all here with me.  It has made this unexpected miscarriage less emotionally painful somehow by knowing I wasn't alone.  It allowed me to tell someone what was happening in the moment (reminder to Be Seen as Jen Lee told us in the Care and Keeping of Creative Souls class) and feel that I was being heard. Thank you all for Bearing Witness to this moment, which Jen also reminded us was important.  She was so right.  I didn't really know much about Jen prior to Squam but don't be fooled by that sweet, childlike quality of hers.  She packs a powerful, yet loving emotional sucker punch.  One heck of a move (another Jenism I loved) if I ever saw one.

The third class I took, Book In a Day, was with the amazingly talented Marisa Haedike from Creative Thursday (without finding her I never would have found Susannah or Squam) and Christine Mason Miller.  They made a great team, with infinite patience, assistance and inspiration.  I really came away with a whole new way to put seemingly random things together into a cohesive format - another great lesson - just because it doesn't look like it goes together doesn't mean it isn't meant to be together.  The skills I gained from them opened up a new way to visualize my creative storytelling side for myself and to share with others.  I promised Christine I was going to do a similar class with my nieces and they are already excited about it. 

I promise this is only one of several posts about Squam.  There's so much magic to talk about - the warmth and love that dwelled in our cabin at El Dorado, and all the incredible people I met all along my trip from beginning to end.  As I close, I just want to thank Elizabeth MacCrellish for making Squam come to life.  You are an inspiration to me to keep pursuing my visions of bringing people together and making the world a more loving, compassionate and creative place.  I keep telling people that Squam is what the real world should be like - thank you for letting me have a glimpse of that.

Huge, tight hugs to all,

Lily

Feeling haunted by loss....

Once I got home from Squam I noticed something was missing - my period.  What made me realize this was my boobs were kind of sore, which is unusual for me.  It's the one thing I really remember from my pregnancies and the telltale sign they were over.  I kind of let it go and figured AF would appear but a few more days and still a no show.

Then, sure enough, after being 2 weeks late, my boobs went back to normal and AF arrived with a sudden, painful start.  I'm sure this is yet another early miscarriage - make that #3.  But who has time to even grieve?  It started literally the moment I walked in the door to my parents house.  I wasn't planning on visiting my parents this weekend but my mom is very ill and they needed me there to help.  It was an exhausting trip and I hate seeing my mom look and feel so helpless - yet again.  She even cried, which she rarely does, and that just tore me up even more inside.

When I arrived back home this afternoon I took a good long nap and felt a little better.  Not long after I got an e-mail from my old college roommate who I haven't talked to in ages.  She was apparently 20 weeks pregnant with her first baby and they lost him in the last couple of days.  Tomorrow she goes in for surgery.  It's become this creepy (not necessarily in a good way) that people always seek me out when they have miscarriages, loss and general crap going on in their life.  Trust me - I get it, I have experience in these fields and I know how much it hurts.

However, while I am glad on one hand that people seek me out for these situations, I also wish they'd seek me out when life is going well and maybe just to say Hi.  So, tonight, I feel haunted by loss.  It seems to follow me wherever I go and even when I have my own, it feels like someone else's trumps mine and I shouldn't waste my time feeling sorry for myself.  But tonight I do.

Unexpected Infertile Intuition Appears At Squam...

Today is my first day back in the real world after attending Squam Art Workshops.  I arrived home basically at midnight and it's been a very slow adjustment to come back both mentally and physically.

But I have to share a story with all of you that just cannot wait.  I was in one of my classes called Care and Keeping of Creative Souls with the outstanding Jen Lee and this woman walked in.  I don't know why but she caught my attention even as we sat across from each other in the cabin.  We each took turns talking and nothing in particular stood out at that moment to connect me to her.  After a while, we had some reflective exercises to do outside.

Again, I was drawn to this woman - quite literally this time and I sat at the opposite end of the dock from her.  Then I felt compelled to take her picture and wasn't sure if I'd ever tell her or share it with her.

As we went back in and shared it came up that she had suffered through 3 miscarriages and was newly pregnant and very scared.  I literally felt every hair on my body stand on end.  I never mentioned my miscarriages or struggles with infertility in this class.  But I was on some level connected to this unknown woman as soon as she came into my physical realm.  

Then as we closed the class Jen Lee came around and had each of us pick a random blessing and then she held our hands, looked directly into our eyes and read it.  Mine was "Your courage sets others free."  I immediately teared up and thought of the past attendees of my Infertility E-Class and those that are in the October session.  It just struck a deep chord.

When class ended, I approached the woman and shared a bit of my story and I hope offered her some comfort in all her uncertainty.  Then another woman also came up and shared that she also had suffered miscarriages.  It was a small, yet beautiful moment for infertiles and those dealing with the heartache of losses everywhere.

Dear Universe....could you send me a best fun friend?

I miss having a best friend.  Right around the time of my second miscarriage and soon after when my life went to hell, I also lost one of my best friends in the aftermath.  She was marrying a guy I hated and couldn't hide that fact plus my life was coming apart at the seams and she wasn't there for me, either.  She's had one baby and is now pregnant with another and I haven't seen her in years, even though I offered to come this summer.  I can't really blame her for blowing me off about it, we're just not the girls we once were.

But I think what I miss most about her is that she was one person who knew how to get me to have fun, relax, be silly and enjoy the lighter side of life.  I really miss that.  So, today, I'm sending a little letter to the Universe requesting a new fun friend.  I was already denied me the baby but I think it's not too much to ask for this so here goes:

Dear Universe,

I am in immediate need of a fun friend who reminds me not to take life so damn seriously all the time.  Who knows how to help me pick out clothes and make-up and tap into the more feminine and softer side of myself.  She should have a slightly warped sense of humor, like to eat good food and generally have silly conversations on the phone about our day.  If she also happens to have an unnatural love for Wonder Woman, too, then she might just the gal for me.  One last thing, please have her live in the Indy area so I can actually do things and go places with her.  I promise to take good care of her and make sure she feels loved and appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Love,

Lily - The Infertile Mind

Looking for me? I'll be in the kitchen for once....

Welcome ICLWers!  I'm still a bit of newbie to ICLW but I thought I'd give it another go because each time I meet interesting bloggers - maybe this time it will be you!

So, here's a little infertile breakdown on me, since most people want to know that first:

- 2 pregnancies, one on Clomid

- 2 early miscarriages, one D&C

- 1 complete marriage breakdown after MC #2 but somehow came alive again amongst the ashes

- 2 therapists, one to deal with the marital issues and another to deal with the infertile issues to prevent more marital issues. Both were amazing and I can't thank them enough for seeing me through some incredibly tough times.

- 1 injectable cycle with IUI, failed

- 1 woman who had to move on from trying to conceive in order to regain her sanity and place in this world (and doing pretty great, actually!)

- Led a Resolve Support Group, which was amazing but emotionally draining (If you haven't been, definitely go to a meeting at least once.) Met some cool infertiles there like kick-a** Fertility Foibles - she's an amazing gal!

- Occasionally write an Infertile Comic

- Started an Infertility E-Class to help other infertiles deal with the emotions of infertility (next one is in October and it's free, if you want to join us...)

- Wrote a little book called Infertile Inspiration (Check it out in the left hand column)

The other thing about me that I really don't talk about much is that I am an infertile .... stepmom.  I think I feel a little weird about it when delving into the infertile world (and fertile world actually - nobody aspires to grow up and be the Evil Stepmother character, now do they?).  I feel like because I do get to enjoy a very real version of parenthood (my stepson has been in my life since he was 2 and he's turning 13 this week) that I shouldn't be sad, angry or disappointed that I didn't have biological children - that it somehow insults the love I have for my stepson. 

I also think most people around me don't really realize I'm infertile or haven't thought about it much because I am so close to my stepson and very involved in his life and get along well with his actual mom.  Having a stepson sometimes makes it easy to hide behind my experiences with him and not be forced to address all the other experiences I will likely never have from a pregnancy and a baby.

I guess my stepson is top of mind tonight because this weekend we're having his 13th birthday party with my husband's family and all his cousins. (There are a lot of them and I happen to spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews, too.)  I decided to make mini cupcakes for his party on Sunday.  I'm far from Martha Stewart but I think it will be a fun touch to the festivities.  We made a test batch earlier in the week and they got my stepson's seal of approval (even if he hates when I talk about how "cute" miniature cupcakes look).  So, tomorrow, I'll be in the last place most people would ever look for me...baking in the kitchen.