Once I got home from Squam I noticed something was missing - my period. What made me realize this was my boobs were kind of sore, which is unusual for me. It's the one thing I really remember from my pregnancies and the telltale sign they were over. I kind of let it go and figured AF would appear but a few more days and still a no show.
Then, sure enough, after being 2 weeks late, my boobs went back to normal and AF arrived with a sudden, painful start. I'm sure this is yet another early miscarriage - make that #3. But who has time to even grieve? It started literally the moment I walked in the door to my parents house. I wasn't planning on visiting my parents this weekend but my mom is very ill and they needed me there to help. It was an exhausting trip and I hate seeing my mom look and feel so helpless - yet again. She even cried, which she rarely does, and that just tore me up even more inside.
When I arrived back home this afternoon I took a good long nap and felt a little better. Not long after I got an e-mail from my old college roommate who I haven't talked to in ages. She was apparently 20 weeks pregnant with her first baby and they lost him in the last couple of days. Tomorrow she goes in for surgery. It's become this creepy (not necessarily in a good way) that people always seek me out when they have miscarriages, loss and general crap going on in their life. Trust me - I get it, I have experience in these fields and I know how much it hurts.
However, while I am glad on one hand that people seek me out for these situations, I also wish they'd seek me out when life is going well and maybe just to say Hi. So, tonight, I feel haunted by loss. It seems to follow me wherever I go and even when I have my own, it feels like someone else's trumps mine and I shouldn't waste my time feeling sorry for myself. But tonight I do.