The Infertile Mind

Feeling haunted by loss....

Once I got home from Squam I noticed something was missing - my period.  What made me realize this was my boobs were kind of sore, which is unusual for me.  It's the one thing I really remember from my pregnancies and the telltale sign they were over.  I kind of let it go and figured AF would appear but a few more days and still a no show.

Then, sure enough, after being 2 weeks late, my boobs went back to normal and AF arrived with a sudden, painful start.  I'm sure this is yet another early miscarriage - make that #3.  But who has time to even grieve?  It started literally the moment I walked in the door to my parents house.  I wasn't planning on visiting my parents this weekend but my mom is very ill and they needed me there to help.  It was an exhausting trip and I hate seeing my mom look and feel so helpless - yet again.  She even cried, which she rarely does, and that just tore me up even more inside.

When I arrived back home this afternoon I took a good long nap and felt a little better.  Not long after I got an e-mail from my old college roommate who I haven't talked to in ages.  She was apparently 20 weeks pregnant with her first baby and they lost him in the last couple of days.  Tomorrow she goes in for surgery.  It's become this creepy (not necessarily in a good way) that people always seek me out when they have miscarriages, loss and general crap going on in their life.  Trust me - I get it, I have experience in these fields and I know how much it hurts.

However, while I am glad on one hand that people seek me out for these situations, I also wish they'd seek me out when life is going well and maybe just to say Hi.  So, tonight, I feel haunted by loss.  It seems to follow me wherever I go and even when I have my own, it feels like someone else's trumps mine and I shouldn't waste my time feeling sorry for myself.  But tonight I do.

Some notes on day one of being 34....

Well, props to Aunt Flow for sending me my first 'gift' for my birthday.  And our nephew and wife are expecting their baby any day now and I have a feeling she's coming today.  Plus my brother, pregnant wife and my beloved little niece were supposed to come this weekend but can't now because she's having complications with her pregnancy apparently. (I say apparently because my bro is a bit notorious for coming up with the perfect 'excuses' to back out of his promises)

However, it's not all bad.  My parents made a big effort to come last weekend despite my mom being ill and we all went out to a very nice dinner together.  They even stayed much later than usual on Sunday to see my stepson play volleyball, which I really wanted.  Then a good friend who I haven't seen in about 6 years is coming in May to visit.  Plus it's an absolutely beautiful day outside.  And I just made a funny discovery about an old Mother Goose poem.  I was actually born on a Tuesday and I thought the poem was "Tuesday's child is full of woe." but I just looked it up and it actually says, "Tuesday's child is full of grace." 

Not ready for this....

The time has come.  After 45 days my parents will leave in a few hours, as long as the follow-up appointment today goes well.  Which it should.  I am sad.  Really sad.  (Even though two days ago I was mad, really mad - climbing the walls with madness.)  I already had a good cry this morning.  I don't want to see my mom's face today because I know she doesn't want to leave, either.  I hate to cry in front of my parents or anyone I love.  I tend to push people away when they try to comfort me.  It makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I don't like that - even though it's a big part of me and everyone, really.  My dad will go back to work but my mom will be at home again.  She has a lot of people to help her and who love her but it's definitely not your family around you 24/7.  For me it can be too much but for her it's never enough.  I love that about her and wish I had more of that.  Anyway, it will be hard.  Our house will go from being full of people and activity to back to the 2 of us.  We need it, though.  I have missed having quality time with my husband.  And myself, I need my space to feel okay in the world.  And I am ready for that. P.S.  And for my stupid period to truly start already.  I do not need this shit right now - get on with it because I know you're coming....you always do.  It's most definitely not helping in the "trying not to get too emotional" department....

Spare me the drama.....

Dear Aunt Flow,

It's a new year, but it seems to be the same old you.  I realize you think starting off 2010 with a period is probably a great way to set the tone for my next decade.  (FYI, dear Auntie, it isn't.)   At least you held off through the holidays & I sooo appreciate that.   It lets me know you do listen so thanks!  However,  if you could pass on any elements that you feel provide some "build up" or "anticipation" for the event, that would be stellar.  While you might think it's fun to shake things up a bit with some sore boobs now and again or taking several days to get the flow going, I do not.  Just get it started already so I can get it over already.  Thanks bunches, Me. P.S.  If you're looking for ideas for something extra to give me, a restful night's sleep is just what I'm wanting these days!

Boobysaurus....

I know many people get sore boobs when they're period is about to start.  However, not me, or never before I got pregnant, anyway.  I remember it very distinctly that I knew something was up because my boobs were so sore.  It's also how I knew something was wrong when that symptom went away. Since those times years ago, I'll get the sore boobs maybe once or twice a year.  It doesn't last but it always makes me wonder - is my body trying to implant a baby?  This is happening right now and I'm sure my period is coming any day now but thought I'd share.  I don't let it mess with my head too much but you always have that twinge of hope, no? P.S.  I don't recommend looking up the word "sore" in Google Images.

An open letter to my period...

Dear Aunt Flow,

First I want to tell you how much I appreciate you wanting to take part at all major events in my life.  This attention-to-detail has not gone unnoticed.  Showing up time and time again after every birthday party or family event when my feelings of infertility are already so high.  Thanks for letting me know you are always a constant in my life.

However, dear Auntie, a girl like me could use some space. 28-30 days to be exact.  Ever since I miscarried you feel the need to be eradict and usually show up sooner and sooner and sooner.  I assure that I'm doing just fine and you should feel comfortable spacing out your visits a little longer.

Lastly, while I know your visits are meant to be a gift, I think we need to talk about what I actually like as a gift.  I'm all for going all-natural and everything, but really there are so many other environmentally friendlier ways and cuter things you could offer me every month.  How about a cute t-shirt made out of bamboo or a cute purse made of hemp?  Seriously, let's try something new next time, okay?  Even a bottle of Advil to accompany your usual gift would be a nice touch.

So, thanks for listening.  I'm sure I'll be seeing you again soon. Oh wait, I forgot your monthly gift is already here.  Well, we'll try again next month.

Sincerely, Me.