The Infertile Mind

Book review + giveaway: The Inadequate Conception by Lori Green LeRoy

Seriously, I feel soooo lucky to have met 2 fellow infertiles who have put out much needed voices in the infertility genre this year.  (Last time I reviewed I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood by Lisa Manterfield.  If you missed that, check it out here.) 

This time I thoroughly enjoyed a very different take on the infertility journey with Lori Green LeRoy, who writes the blog The Inadequate Conception (she formerly wrote Fertility Foibles).  I actually met Lori a couple of years ago when I was leading the local Resolve support group.  I asked her to come and talk because she was all about finding humor along our journey, which was not common at the time.  And make us laugh she did!  It was one of the best attended and most fun meetings we had.  So I had no doubts that the book would be great.

Lori's book called, "The Inadequate Conception: From Barry White to Blastocytes: What your mom didn't tell you about getting pregnant" is a different behind the scenes look at infertility.  She recaps both her own and many other infertiles madcap journeys from the crazy stuff you try, the really crazy stuff you swore you'd never try, the humiliation you suffer at the doctor's office, the money you keep doling out and how ridiculous this whole rollercoaster ride can be alongside the pain and tears.  Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from falling apart yet again.  It's kind of like sitting around a warm fire sharing infertile war stories with your closest friends.  I laughed out loud many times and recalled some forgotten humiliation of my own - maybe I'll share here someday....

Lori closes with a beautiful,(and not so humorous) but heartfelt message of how she defines herself in new and wonderful ways.  (She and I both share a deep love and appreciation for being aunts and her niece & nephew are so lucky to have her in their lives!)  Since I know Lori personally I can truly attest that she has seen it all and tried it all along this journey.  She's been a tremendous comfort to talk to when we both couldn't understand why we weren't able to have kids, as she also has unexplained infertility.  She truly deserves her weight in gold for what she's been through and how she's taken it and turned it into a way to help others. 

I'm thankful to consider Lori a friend and really hope you'll get to know her, too, through this book.  Get your paperback copy here or get it on your Kindle here. 

P.S. Oh - the giveaway - if you've made it this far, leave a comment here and I'll be giving away 1 copy of this very funny and helpful book.  I'll pick a winner at random by Friday and contact you to get your mailing info.  Good luck!

Looking for me? I'll be in the kitchen for once....

Welcome ICLWers!  I'm still a bit of newbie to ICLW but I thought I'd give it another go because each time I meet interesting bloggers - maybe this time it will be you!

So, here's a little infertile breakdown on me, since most people want to know that first:

- 2 pregnancies, one on Clomid

- 2 early miscarriages, one D&C

- 1 complete marriage breakdown after MC #2 but somehow came alive again amongst the ashes

- 2 therapists, one to deal with the marital issues and another to deal with the infertile issues to prevent more marital issues. Both were amazing and I can't thank them enough for seeing me through some incredibly tough times.

- 1 injectable cycle with IUI, failed

- 1 woman who had to move on from trying to conceive in order to regain her sanity and place in this world (and doing pretty great, actually!)

- Led a Resolve Support Group, which was amazing but emotionally draining (If you haven't been, definitely go to a meeting at least once.) Met some cool infertiles there like kick-a** Fertility Foibles - she's an amazing gal!

- Occasionally write an Infertile Comic

- Started an Infertility E-Class to help other infertiles deal with the emotions of infertility (next one is in October and it's free, if you want to join us...)

- Wrote a little book called Infertile Inspiration (Check it out in the left hand column)

The other thing about me that I really don't talk about much is that I am an infertile .... stepmom.  I think I feel a little weird about it when delving into the infertile world (and fertile world actually - nobody aspires to grow up and be the Evil Stepmother character, now do they?).  I feel like because I do get to enjoy a very real version of parenthood (my stepson has been in my life since he was 2 and he's turning 13 this week) that I shouldn't be sad, angry or disappointed that I didn't have biological children - that it somehow insults the love I have for my stepson. 

I also think most people around me don't really realize I'm infertile or haven't thought about it much because I am so close to my stepson and very involved in his life and get along well with his actual mom.  Having a stepson sometimes makes it easy to hide behind my experiences with him and not be forced to address all the other experiences I will likely never have from a pregnancy and a baby.

I guess my stepson is top of mind tonight because this weekend we're having his 13th birthday party with my husband's family and all his cousins. (There are a lot of them and I happen to spend a lot of time with my nieces and nephews, too.)  I decided to make mini cupcakes for his party on Sunday.  I'm far from Martha Stewart but I think it will be a fun touch to the festivities.  We made a test batch earlier in the week and they got my stepson's seal of approval (even if he hates when I talk about how "cute" miniature cupcakes look).  So, tomorrow, I'll be in the last place most people would ever look for me...baking in the kitchen. 

So...now what?

So, last year was kind of a crazy year for me.  Thinking back a bit I did the following things: (in no particular order) 1. Co-led a Resolve infertility support group including building the website, supporting materials & spreading the word 2.  Started a new marketing business while still running my photography business 3.  Took on the challenge of having a business partner (she's awesome but it was a huge adjustment) 4.  Did acupuncture for infertility (and still highly recommend it for overall health and well-being) 5.  Painted and decorated the guest room for an easy transition into a nursery (which didn't happen) 6.  Decided it was time to stop pursuing fertility treatments (cried for 3 days straight) 7.  Had our first marketing client which was a huge undertaking but a great success 8.  Submitted a received a small business grant (so cool) 9.  Visited my 3 year old niece every 2 weeks for 6 weeks this fall to help establish a bond with her (Soooo worth it!) 10.  Spent lots of time with nieces and nephews on my husband's side (included coordinating various trips and outings) 11.  Read a lot of books (My favorite was this one.) 12. Went to Myrtle Beach (I recommmend it!) 13. Opened a Facebook account 14.  Saw 3 old friends - two of which I hadn't seen in 17 years (thanks to #13) 15.  Took my first online e-class called Unravelling (a definite highlight of the year - made some amazing new friends) 16.  Sewed my first purse and cosmetic case (along with other projects) 17.  Created and started my own infertility e-class (which ended today and I am a bit saddened by this....met more amazing infertiles) 18.  Started my own blog (that would be this one!) and participated in my first ICLW 19.  Drew my first infertilty comic 20.  Had my parents live here for 45 days (thank goodness I re-decorated the guest room after all) 21.  Helped three small business by designing their websites 22.  Supported a lot of Etsy artists (and will continue to do so - I love Etsy!) 23.  Started a Wii Fit routine (which I loved until I hurt my foot and had to stop...hope to start again soon with Wii Fit Plus!) 24.  Took some tennis lessons.  (not so easy but kind of fun) 25.  Walked with my neighbor across the street weekly until it got cold (turns out she is a great lady) Then today my business partner and I jumped another major hurdle with a big presentation to a new potential client.  Things are looking good and I am very happy about it.  We did all under the stress of both of us having family health crises, the holidays and life in general.  I don't even know how the hell we pulled it off.  But right now there's nothing really new that I'm starting or project that I'm just itching to get out of my system.  I have lot of things I need to do but nothing I'm just on fire excited about.  Anyway, I read on another blog having a word for the year and the word that came to mind is RELAX.   There's just one problem - I don't know how to do it.  Relaxing and going with the flow just doesn't gel with me very well.

My first Resolve meeting...

I went to my first Resolve infertility support group meeting a little over a year ago.  It was just me, another woman and the 2 current leaders.  It was more than a bit unnerving but I do remember one piece of it rather clearly.  We got onto the topic of adoption and, at the time, I had been feeling a lot of turmoil over why I wasn't drawn to that option.  Lisa, the leader at the time, brought up some points of Infertility's Potential Losses from a book Adopting After Infertility.  I'll highlight them here (found on page 48 in actual book):

1. Loss of control

2. Loss of individual genetic continuity

3. Loss of a jointly conceived child

4. Loss of the physical expectations of the pregnancy experience itself and of feeling the power to impregnate

5. Loss of the emotional experiences about a shared pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding experience

6. Loss of the opportunity to parent

What I remember is that of all of these, she said adoption fulfills the last one - the opportunity to parent.  Then a light bulb went off in my head.  I'd been parenting my stepson since he was 2 ( he's 12 now) so that definitely wasn't the need that emotionally I wanted to fill.  Granted, I'm not his full-time parent and he does not call me mom, but I have enjoyed many parenting related experiences with him.  It lifted an emotional weight off my shoulders.  It was a big step for me in the direction of allowing myself permission to not pursue pregnancy treatments anymore.  I just thought I'd share that today, as I've found myself sharing this list over and over to other infertiles who are still on the journey.  Because those other 5 are HARD to come to grips with.  To want a child is so primal (that's a whole topic for another post) and for me, not so easy to shake and after my miscarriages it suddenly magnified it. However, now, a year later sometimes the topic of adoption crosses my mind.  I know that I am capable of loving a child that is not biologically mine without reservation and my husband is open to the idea of adoption.  But one of my major concerns is my stepson.  He has a stepsister from his stepdad who lives far away and he sees only occasionally.  He also has a little half brother from his mom and stepdad.  I sometimes wonder if it's really too much to add yet another one or more adopted siblings to his family mix - to pull him in yet another direction.  Plus, we have a good relationship and he doesn't share me with anyone.  I think this has afforded us a special closeness because I have been able to give him my undivided attention.  But maybe it's me that doesn't want to share my time with him? I never thought about that until right now.  Maybe I want to savor all my moments with my stepson because I always know my time with him is limited.  However, I know there's also another element that eats away at me - rejection.  What if I love another child, raise them and then suddenly they want their biological mom and I'm again sharing my child?  Or worse - losing them all together?  Never easy things to think about or deal with....