The Infertile Mind

Book Review: Happy For No Reason by Marci Shimoff....

While I was helping my parents move this summer, I found the book Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out.  I felt a little foolish reading it for some reason, as if in my head I was really thinking, "Happy for No Reason? Yea right!"  But I slowly read it over the summer and thought I'd share with you a few good insights.  And it's full of great quotes, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

1. Get 8 hours of sleep. Nothing new, right? Well, the book added a note that according to Ayurvedic wisom (ancient medical tradition of India) that "getting an hour of sleep before midnight is worth 2 hours of sleep after midnight"  That was new information - when to get the 8 hours in. (p. 174)

So I decided to implement this one, which was not an easy choice because I am a very natural night owl.  I used to joke I'd be happy as a vampire, coming out only at night.  However, I must say after sticking to this all summer, I'm a believer.  Now I make sure I'm in bed by 11 and I'm up around 7.  There's nothing I miss about being up late and I'm going to sleep soundly every night, which was not the case before.  My next step is I think I'll be pushing back to 10:30 or even 10!

2.  The Solutions Focus Technique. (p. 63)  If I'm stuck in a situation or relationship where I'm unhappy or frustrated, I'm quick to list out all the reason it's going wrong.  However, I never stop to think how it's going right!  With this method you think of a situation you've been complaining about and rate how you feel about it from 1 to 10.  If you didn't score a 1 then you need to write down those reasons about why you didn't score it lower.  I was surprised to find even my most frustrating situations were at least a 2 or 3, so some possibility was there!

The next step is to look at your list and think of a small step you could take to raise your satisfaction by even 1 point.  Then take action.  Just the re-framing of the situation and then taking even tiny steps to help it along made this some good advice for me.

3. How People Learn.  (p.281)  The following information/quote was compiled after extensive research by Psychiatrist William Glasser. 

“We Learn . . .
10% of what we read
20% of what we hear
30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear
70% of what we discuss
80% of what we experience
95% of what we teach others.”

- Dr. William Glasser

Being an avid reader, I was a little stunned to see we learn only 10% of what we read and excited to see we learn 95% of what we teach to someone else.  Without really realizing it, it may be what prompted this post!  I think by compiling my thoughts here, I hope to retain these good insights more deeply.

In closing, what I liked about this book it is was actually more like a summary of a lot of other people and information I've read before.  For example it brought up Byron Katie and The Work, the Sedona Method and on and on.  It also gave you action steps to implement and had lots of good stories to illustrate the point.  It's also an easy read that you can easily take on in chapters and not feel like you've lost the whole story. 

Okay, I'm off to walk the dog and do some crafting with one of my nieces later!

Book review + giveaway: The Inadequate Conception by Lori Green LeRoy

Seriously, I feel soooo lucky to have met 2 fellow infertiles who have put out much needed voices in the infertility genre this year.  (Last time I reviewed I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood by Lisa Manterfield.  If you missed that, check it out here.) 

This time I thoroughly enjoyed a very different take on the infertility journey with Lori Green LeRoy, who writes the blog The Inadequate Conception (she formerly wrote Fertility Foibles).  I actually met Lori a couple of years ago when I was leading the local Resolve support group.  I asked her to come and talk because she was all about finding humor along our journey, which was not common at the time.  And make us laugh she did!  It was one of the best attended and most fun meetings we had.  So I had no doubts that the book would be great.

Lori's book called, "The Inadequate Conception: From Barry White to Blastocytes: What your mom didn't tell you about getting pregnant" is a different behind the scenes look at infertility.  She recaps both her own and many other infertiles madcap journeys from the crazy stuff you try, the really crazy stuff you swore you'd never try, the humiliation you suffer at the doctor's office, the money you keep doling out and how ridiculous this whole rollercoaster ride can be alongside the pain and tears.  Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from falling apart yet again.  It's kind of like sitting around a warm fire sharing infertile war stories with your closest friends.  I laughed out loud many times and recalled some forgotten humiliation of my own - maybe I'll share here someday....

Lori closes with a beautiful,(and not so humorous) but heartfelt message of how she defines herself in new and wonderful ways.  (She and I both share a deep love and appreciation for being aunts and her niece & nephew are so lucky to have her in their lives!)  Since I know Lori personally I can truly attest that she has seen it all and tried it all along this journey.  She's been a tremendous comfort to talk to when we both couldn't understand why we weren't able to have kids, as she also has unexplained infertility.  She truly deserves her weight in gold for what she's been through and how she's taken it and turned it into a way to help others. 

I'm thankful to consider Lori a friend and really hope you'll get to know her, too, through this book.  Get your paperback copy here or get it on your Kindle here. 

P.S. Oh - the giveaway - if you've made it this far, leave a comment here and I'll be giving away 1 copy of this very funny and helpful book.  I'll pick a winner at random by Friday and contact you to get your mailing info.  Good luck!

Review on I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home by Lisa Manterfield....

I made a vow/resolution/promise, etc., to myself this year to not buy any new books until I had read all the old ones I bought and haven't even touched.  (There are many so it's going to be a while.  I might even share the list in a future post.) 

However, in the mail this week I received a copy of Lisa Manterfield's new book, I'm Taking My Eggs and Going Home: How One Woman Dared to Say No to Motherhood from the author herself.  Wow!  We have talked a handful of times on the phone and I have always enjoyed how smart & thought-provoking Lisa is both in her writing and in conversation. 

Yet, when this book arrived with it's gorgeous cover, I wasn't sure I was ready to read it.  I have felt a nice distance from my infertility focused days and was a bit worried it might stir some old feelings up for me.  (Like when I read Silent Sorority: A Barren Woman Gets Busy, Angry, Lost and Found - emotional but excellent!)  But after tentatively cracking it open, it consumed most of my day yesterday.  I only stopped because my husband was waiting to go have dinner.  As soon as we got back, I ran right back to it to finish it.  So, here's my review, if you will, on it:

Lisa engaged me right away with her take  on her 6 year infertility story.  Mainly because it was really about so much more - to me, it's about being a woman in today's day and age.  Navigating challenges from leaving your family a country away, to the role you fill in your own family, to the ups and downs of being in & around relationships that work and others than don't.  I also love how Lisa really lets you inside her head at each point and the clever dance always going on between emotion & logic including how she struggles to reach her own conclusions in the midst of the two. 

Lisa doesn't hold back from delving into feelings about her husband, his grown children, her family, his family, friends and co-workers.  You get a sense of her world - the world as we actually experience it in our own heads anyway.  I wasn't left with that, "I wonder about this person or that person?"  She goes there even if it makes her look less than perfect.  It made me feel an even deeper kinship to her.

And yes, oh yes, does she delve into her infertility story.  She takes you on it step by step and you feel like you're in the room with each passing moment, whether it's at the latest appointment of the person whose going to "make it happen" or in private conversations with her husband in the car.  She gives a beautiful and heart wrenching account of just how all-consuming, exhausting and truly never ending infertility can be.

I really loved the book and felt it was so much more than an infertility story.  It was an account of real life and the barrage of situations women face in adulthood.  I hope many women will read this and feel comforted, whether they have faced infertility or not.  (I hope for those who haven't faced it, this will be one of those books that opens their eyes & hearts to when infertility does enter their life in some way.)  In Lisa's telling her story she reminds us how little we know what's truly going on in a person's life and that we should all be more accepting & loving of what's truly going on in our own, too.

Thank you, Lisa, for this book and your story.  You have made a terrific contribution to the storytelling world and the infertility community, particularly those of are who are childless not by choice but choose to go on and be happy nonetheless.  You can buy the e-book here and the Kindle version via Amazon.com here.  The paperback can be pre-ordered through Amazon or purchased directly here.

On My Kindle....Everything I've Ever Done That Worked by Lesley Garner

I'm feeling a bit ADD with my book reading, as I recently bought and finished Everything I've Ever Done That Worked by Lesley Garner on my Kindle.  (I enjoy my Kindle but it hasn't replaced hard cover books for me.  However, I've definitely browsed or purchased several books at 2 am when I couldn't sleep and you can't beat that!)

So, I swore I wasn't going to buy another book until I read this post from my new Squam friend, Nicola on her blog called The Drama Queen's Guide to Changing the World (great stuff- check it out....) talking about this author, Lesley Garner.  Her post was titled, "The most useful book I've ever read..." and she sold me that I want to read this lady's work.  Right NOW!

There are lots of good tips in this particular book of hers and it's a very easy read.  It's not one long story and you can pick and choose chapters that speak to you.  I like that format as a variation to trying to remember where you were in a story.  My favorite idea in the book was the book concept itself - to make my own version of Everything That Has Ever Worked For Me by Me.  A reminder that I do know what I'm doing and how to soothe myself, gear myself up, calm myself down, be objective, be generous and more.  I just never thought to actually document all that.  Might be a project to work on in the new year.  An art project, perhaps?

On my nightstand...The New Diary by Tristine Rainer

I love to read and I want to keep track of what I read in the coming months/year, which I've never done before.  I have read so many excellent books last year and don't even remember all of them.  So, in an effort to acknowlegde the time I spend cradled in other people's words, I want to share what I'm reading here.

Right now on my nightstand I'm reading, digesting and implementing the ideas in The New Diary by Tristine Rainer.

The funny thing I referenced one exercise from her book in my e-class but have never read the whole book.  I had it on my Bookmooch.com wish list and kind of forgot about it.  Well, recently it became available and the timing was really right because I have started an art journal.  I find using colors and textures as a way to express my emotions very soothing.  It's not really that the work is beautiful but somehow it helps me connect with myself in a new way.  Which, wouldn't you know, is basically what this book is all about!

I am enthralled but realize this will not be a typical read.  It will require me to be more introspective and interactive.  I want to make a conscious effort to implement the good ideas and exercises this time. Where the typical routine consists of, "Oh yes - that would be excellent! and incredibly helpful to try...." then move on, finish the book and on to the next one.

Here's one passage I flagged on page 40:

"If you allow ambiguity in your diary it can help you develop the maturity to tolerate the true complexity of a life, not a simple either/or vision but one that resolves contradictions because it contains them.  Try not to deny any thought or feeling in the diary, even if it doesn't seem to fit or if it frightens you.  The process is one of simple addition.  You write one feeling, which leads you to another which leads to another: "I don't like her," "No, I really do like her." The truth is the sum of them all, achieved simply by saying everything.  Out of the contractions and ambiguity a larger truth seems to emerge.  By adding one piece at a time you develop a self large enough to contain all your perceptions.  Your only concern while writing is being true to yourself in the moment."

Good Book Review: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown - Part 1

For the last couple of weeks I have been reading Brene Brown's latest book, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

It is an excellent read and I thought I'd share with you a few (of the many) points that really stuck with me about it.  My first post will focus on Guidepost #1: Cultivating Authenticity, beginning on page 49.

Opening Quote:

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards, they try to have more things or more money in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are then do what you need to do in order to have what you want."

- Margaret Young

Page 50: Definitions of Authenticity

"Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving - even when it's hard, even when we're wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough, and especially when the joy is so intense that we're afraid to let ourselves feel it."

Page 54: Get Going

"I try to make authenticity my number one goal when I go into a situation where I'm feeling vulnerable.  If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it.  I might get my feelings hurt, but I rarely feel shame.  When acceptance or approval becomes my goal, and it doesn't work out, that can trigger shame for me: "I'm not good enough.  If the goal is authenticity and they don't like me, I'm okay.  If the goal is being liked and they don't like me, I'm in trouble.  I get going by making authenticity the priority."

(I also highly recommend Brene Brown's other book,I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power. It even has an excerpt on infertility titled "Infertility: A Guide For Family and Friends" on pages 165-170.)

If you've also read this book, I'd love to know what stuck out for you.